All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit ... plus these 100 pop songs on vinyl

The cassette played poptones ...*

Yeah, I've already spent a lifetime either disparaging or completely ignoring so-called "pop music" and ... I'm not really about to change now. But, but ... someone at my workplace buttonholed me yesterday asking for a few suggestions on the theme of "classic pop songs". What I should have said was, "No mate, I don't listen to that rubbish" and saved myself the trouble. But no, fool that I am I've ended up spending a sizeable chunk of the last two evenings thinking of a few. Big mistake. (I reckon I've got a fatal weakness for lists, though one I usually try to resist. Isn't there something incredibly dull about all this listing? This time three years ago I found myself with too much time on my hands and ended up doing 200 protest songs. Never again ...). Pop music is not at all my natural domain (do I have one?) and unsurprisingly I've become tangled up in knots. What is a bloody pop song, anyway? Do you know? I'm not sure I do. All the obvious ways to try to capture the supposed quality of a classic pop tune - its "catchiness", its "memorability", its "epic" quality, its outstanding "beauty" - seem pretty unhelpful when you start actually trying to choose them. It's all hopelessly subjective, and anyway I'm slightly resistant to the process because there's so much about genuinely "popular" music that I dislike in the first place. Fuck the fucking mainstream, I say. So yeah, for me it's a fool's errand. I should stick to my abrasive noise, the screeching, searing, hate-filled stuff I normally listen to. Or my miserable, slowcore. Music without melody. None of that verse/chorus/verse/chorus/repeat chorus stuff - just discordancy, gibberish ... and noise. Or, I should just put my head in a large bucket of reggae and dub.

Niluccio on noise pretends to like pop songs

I freely confess I'm the wrong man for the job and I've undoubtedly botched it. Instead of real pop songs that massive numbers of people actually like, I've probably just listed 100 songs that I like. Songs that could - on a good day, if one were being generous - be called pop songs (except maybe Low's Over The Ocean ...). Yes, these are really just typical Niluccio on noise picks. Stuff drenched in my boring old indie/muso/contrarian's sensibility, but also containing some "hooks" and some infectious melodies. Or they're well-known killer tunes from the sixties (or the forties). Or something. So sorry colleague in the office, there's nothing massively Top Of The Pops about these selections. Nevertheless pop-pickers, in no particular order (well, alphabetical order), here they are. And only one song per artist ...

A Crooked Pulse, Dark Spots

Associates, Party Fears Two

Aztec Camera, Oblivious

Ballboy, Olympic Cyclist

Captain Beefheart, Sure 'Nuff 'N Yes I Do

B52s, 52 Girls

Al Bowlly, The Very Thought Of You
Butterflies Of Love, Dream Driver

Buzzcocks, Paradise

Byrds, Chimes Of Freedom

Cab Calloway, Jungle King

The Chesterfields, Ask Johnny Dee

Alex Chilton, Can't Seem To Make You Mine

Clapton Girls Technology College, Solitaire

Clash, Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Close Lobsters, Too Bloody Stupid

Edwyn Collins, A Girl Like You

Crystals, Then He Kissed Me

Cure, Boys Don't Cry
Dirtygirl, Never

Drunken Palms, Easy Love

Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb Blues

Brian Eno, I'll Come Running

Farmer's Boys, For You
Felt, Sunlight Bathed The Golden Glow

Ella Fitzgerald & The Inkspots, Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall

Flying Lizards, Money

Gang Of Four, Damaged Goods

Ghetto Slang, Pixelised

Go Betweens, Spring Rain

Golden Dregs, Role Of A Lifetime

Gorky's Zygotic Mynci, Spanish Dance Troupe

Al Green, Love And Happiness

Woody Guthrie, All You Fascists Bound To Lose

Harlem, Someday Soon

hhhhh, The Only Reason

Help Stamp Out Loneliness, Record Shop

David-Ivar Herman Düne, An Afternoon Dance Party

Higsons, Tear The Whole Thing Down

Holiday Ghosts, In My Head

John Lee Hooker, I Love Honey

Lightnin' Hopkins, Got To Move Your Baby

Hot Chip, I Was A Boy From A School

Hot Chocolate, Caveman Billy

Austin Leonard Jones, King Of The Coast

Kid Creole & The Coconuts, Stool Pigeon

Kinks, Till The End Of The Day

John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band With The Harlem Community Choir, Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

Joy Division, Love Will Tear Us Apart

Let's Wrestle, I'm So Lazy
Long Limbs, All My Friends Are Older Than Me

Low, Over The Ocean

Magazine, A Song From Under The Floorboards

Mighty Mighty, Is There Anyone Out There

New Order, Temptation
Number One Cup, Just Let Go

Night Shop, So Smart

OMD, Electricity

Only Ones, It's The Truth
Orange Juice, Rip It Up

Pale Kids, St Theresa

Pavement, Starlings Of The Slipstream

Lee Perry, Return Of Django

Pete & The Pirates, Something
Pigbag, Papa's Got A Brand New Pigbag

Pixies, Where Is My Mind?

Post, Part-time Jewellery Maker

Johnny Powers, Me & My Rhythm Guitar

Psychedelic Furs, We Love You

Railway Children, Brighter

Red Harvest, Feeling Young

Little Richard, Goodnight Irene

Jimmie Rodgers, Mule Skinner Blues

Rolling Stones, It's Not Easy

Ronettes, Baby I Love You

The Room, New Dreams For Old

Roxy Music, Virginia Plain

Pete Shelley, Homosapien

Simple Minds, Chelsea Girl

Slits, Heard It Through The Grapevine

Smiths, Hand In Glove

Specials, A Message To You Rudy

Sportique, The Kids Are Solid Gold

Talking Heads, New Feeling

Sister Rosetta Tharpe, This Train

Toots & The Maytalls, Pressure Drop

T-Rex, Ride A White Swan

Thurst, Alienation
Undertones, My Perfect Cousin
Velvet Underground, Beginning To See The Light

Fats Waller, Ain't Misbehavin'

Fred Waring & His Pennsylvanians, Dry Bones

Wire, Outdoor Miner

Howlin' Wolf, Smokestack Lightning

Woods, Military Madness

Yawns, Full Of Admiration

Neil Young, Only Love Can Break Your Heart

*And a final pop classic ...