Going the extra inch: an Anglo-Dutch tale of New Order music and mysterious medieval messengers
Thud, thud, thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud, thud, thud, thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud, wahwahwah wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah wahwahwah wahwahwah thud, thud, thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud. That, dear reader, is the start to New Order's Blue Monday (but of course you guessed that). Why do I mention this hoary old synth-pop beast? Well, sit back and enjoy a little tale concerning everyone's favourite Manchester electro/doom-rockers, the art of collecting and, well, certain unexpected occurrences. It's all 100% true. Even the made-up bits. Yes, this is my Blue Monday story. Here's what happened ... So, a few weeks ago I had an unexpected email. It was from a person in the Netherlands saying he needed to release a large amount of money in the UK (£120m), but there was a small technical problem and if I could kindly send him £500 he would give me a million pounds for my trouble. Oh no, that wasn't it! No, but I did get an email from someone I didn't know in the Netherlands. And in it this person said they'd come across one of my boring music blogs in which I'd drivelled on about ... Factory Records' 12 Inches of New Order plastic ruler. So far, so ... what? Well, my new Dutch correspondent turned out to be a very enthusiastic collector of everything New Order-related. Not just all the records/tapes/CDs or whatever, but all the merchandise, the rare stuff, and so on. And he was dead keen to get his hands on the ruler. Would I sell it to him? He said he'd "missed his chance" to pick it up in the 1980s and now wanted to get hold of it. Hmm. As my rather derisive blog on the ruler would have made clear, I'm not exactly keen on the merch business. Here it seemed there was someone on a music merchandise trophy hunt, with the list of Factory catalogue numbers as his guide. Got that: tick! And that: tick! On the other hand, I genuinely didn't care about the ruler. I vaguely recall using it a few times to er, underline things, but then I'd just put it away in various drawers for ... the past 33 years! It might have been a link to my misspent youth as a record shop assistant (which is how I came by it), but only in a very minor way. It is, after all ... just ... a ... plastic ... ruler! Anyway, basically, the man in the Netherlands was pleasant and seemed genuine so I proposed a non-sale. In fact a swap. If he could send me a copy of Blue Monday, I'd trade the ruler. Fair deal? I dunno! To ask for cash - any amount - would have felt tacky to me (cheap). The trade idea was meant to be reasonably dignified, friendly even. I chose BM because I thought, "this bloke's probably got about 16 different pressings/variants, so he'll happily let me have one". Also, it's their best-known, best-selling record, so the very opposite of "rare" and therefore the perfect antidote (perfect kiss) to the "cult of scarce" to which I'm temperamentally opposed. Well, turned out he doesn't much like Blue Monday, only had one copy, but ... would get one for me via another seller. So the dodgy deal was sealed!
A heartwarming story, no? This all happened a few weeks ago and today the precious 12" arrived by special delivery. A courier bloke literally brought it to the door of my flat in east London. It was like a medieval messenger who'd travelled all the way from the Lowlands (on horseback, by ship) with his precious cargo to be personally handed to the King of England himself. Yes, I'm finally royalty. Music merchandise royalty. And to celebrate my symbolic enthronement, I've been annoying the neighbours by repeatedly blasting out Blue Monday all through the day - How does it feel / To treat me like you do ...? Why did I do it? Why did I get involved in this shady business of buying and selling music stuff, something I've never done aside from picking up inexpensive stuff in charity shops or in the cheap boxes of record shops? Good question. As someone who's almost never bought or sold anything in a private transaction - what the hell is eBay for fuck's sake? - I think this was simply me exercising my curiosity. Plus, indulging a slightly puzzled disbelief that anyone would want to go to all this trouble to acquire my neglected, scratched-up ruler. Yes, measure my disbelief - all twelve inches of it. And then there was Blue Monday. To me this slab of dour-but-energetic Donna Summer-inspired Hi-NRG is still a great recording. OK, I already had it on tape (which was fine), but this Dutch chap's enthusiasm for New Order stuff inspired me (sort of) to follow through with this scheme and get the record. It's one I used to have years ago (when it came out?), but somehow lost. And true, the die-cut "floppy disk" sleeve is admittedly pretty nice, so yeah, there you go - I see a ship in the harbour/I can and shall obey ....
Anyway, I'll now send my new Dutch friend his ruler. But wait! What's this? - only 60 ever made? Only 60 of these Peter Saville-designed artefacts in the entire world? And I'm letting mine go for a near-pittance? Possibly the rarest thing I have in my possession or ever will have? Ha! That's the dastardly cult of scarcity trying to re-assert its grip. No! The ruler must go to Holland. All 13" of it ...
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